Are friendship and love unconditional?

Thank you Rory, for stopping by. The article does not show my bias on purpose, because I did not want to influence the readers. Actually, my friendship and love do not depend on actions of people around me. I would never give up a friend because of that. Yet, I had a contradictory discussion with somebody who is very dear to me and who said that if I murdered somebody I would no longer be his friend. I was puzzled about this, so I wanted to see what other people think about that. Thank you so much for giving us your thoughts.

Interesting. I just had something similar happen with two different people coming to tell me things about themselves.

In both cases, I completely reserved judgment until hearing their entire story, about an hour or more in both cases. One involved an extremely serious child-related sexual offense, in which case he only revealed at the very end that he had been exonerated legally. Glad I didn’t rush to judge!

The other was a conversation with friend that is fond of making frequent anti-gay remarks, unaware that I’m gay. One thing led to another, and he basically admitted to “experimenting” when he was young.

Taking the time to listen was important. By the time I finished talking to him, I know he was a lot more comfortable with who he was, and where he had been in life. We’re much closer friends. And, I didn’t even have to bring up a word about my own life.

Keeping an open mind is always important. Why rush off to judge and even worse, to sever a friendship or get law enforcement involved, without hearing the entire story?

First of all, that is one of the cutest feed icon I have seen! We need more smiley faces to show sincerity where it is needed, instead of seriousness.

Now, onto the topic: this is a very interesting and powerful topic. True friendship is both conditional and unconditional.

However, with the situations you provided, I am thinking many people may confuse the concept of unconditionalism. Let’s forget what they teach us in textbooks and instead look at the very definition of unconditionalism. Does unconditionalism imply that we will do everything for someone else, or that we will do anything they want us to do for them.

I can have unconditional love for my friend or even someone I am in any other sort of relationship with, but when it comes to a topic like murder where someone else has been affected, I can still have unconditional love for that person, but I will have to weigh in my unconditional love for the lives of innocent people with the unconditional love I have for my friend or the person in question.

Imagine the same friend running into my house and screaming “I just killed a mass murderer or a serial rapist!” One of my focuses at that time will depend on who my friend is from the inside. The question then falls into my court, not on the concept of conditionalism but on whether or not I am willing to go ahead and participate in a mass event in the universe [ever death is a mass event] which was planned or executed without my presence, and by someone else.

Unconditional love does not mean someone else can do anything bad and always expect me to support them 100%. Every persona reacts differently, and a person has to figure out whether or not I am with them all the time. If they also loved me unconditionally, they would have told me “Hey, I saw this serial killer and no one knows, I will go try to catch him or kill the bastard!!!” Sure, trying to justify having your own justice may seem like a good idea to many, but you have to factor in a lot of things. Why did the serial killer kill? Who did he kill? Why is my friend or the person I love interested in approaching or harming the killer? Is my friend being rational and willing to have a backup plan, like turning himself in to the authorities? I can ask these questions and a million more even when I find out what happened for the first time, and if it is already too late.

This is my test of unconditional love, for my own self when it comes to others: how far and how much sacrifice I am willing to make for someone else in order to make them happy. Now, you can tie your question into my concept also, by saying how much I am willing to do to hide a friend’s guiltiness or crime.

Imagine this scenario: a friend of mine comes to me saying she was raped by a stranger and while running away, she accidentally stabbed the rapist and got away. Now the rapist is dead. Will I hide her? That is a personal question where my answer is a secret, and many of my close friends will know the answer.

Now, will you hide her? That is a tough question, since saying a lot of things does not mean we will do them. Your friend can tell you “I love you” to get your full trust, and I am sure everyone hears the word “love” directed at them a lot. Most people will even “stop loving” someone if the “sex” factor was removed from a relationship, as if love was something that could be started and stopped easily. Therefore, being completely unconditional is something that is always expressed, but rarely exhibited.

To the scenarios you presented, some people may get scared “OMG! YOU KILLED HIM????????” and some people may go “WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED? TELL ME”, some others may even respond otherwise. That reaction may have nothing to do with their love but how they grasp things, and how they feel the current situation may affect their life, and maybe the life of their friend. For me, a time limit of an hour or more is irrelevant; it may work for chg9389 above, but for me, I never revolve essential things to me around non-controllable things. I will not revolve someone else’s life around the time frame of an hour or even two hours, but I will revolve my entire life around that person’s life to help them if they are completely innocent and see what can be done. Of course, the concept of being innocent is a topic that deserves its own universe, or maybe a post.

To answer the question simply, a person has to prove actual love when the time comes, no matter what their decision is. People can tell you a lot of answers to those questions since they simply want to comment on this post, but when it comes to actual scenario, everyone will react differently. Theorizing a scary scenario while sitting in a comfortable chair and a keyboard is easy, but when inside the actual scary scenario, reactions and thoughts may be different. The basis for many people’s decision should show whether they are being fully unconditional or whether they are trying to protect their own rights or life also. Now, protecting your own life or interest is not bad, though that is also topic for another day.

Hi, as a recently broken heart, when I discovered the unfair conditions of my lover put, while she was still calling it unconditional love. In my opinion, the real and true love should be unconditional but also not to exceed the green lines, but when you get engaged just to put and creat new unfair conditions then it is not even love at all, it is type of killing love in hearts. In brief, I’m here just to tell there’s no unconditional love except in our drams, since we consider “Yes” and “No” as final answers for our friendly questions. I can easily also say that it was my first and last real love all over my life.

Thank you too for your prompt reply. Let tell you one more thing about the internet (or electronic) love and friendship. 99.9% of the these cables and wireless relationship are dead in advance. I’m sorry to tell you that not a single relationship remains more than days or maximum months except for 001% only. The problem is not in the internet or electronice because we made it, but the problem of users and their unforeseen goals.

Hi Ruth, thanks for your question. This is a difficult one. You are right, being aggressive is not good for any of the parties, nor for the friendship. However, being offended by a friend, I would try to put myself in his shoes and see how he judged that situation. Maybe we have different values regarding some life aspects, thus the misunderstanding. If this makes my friend happy, I would let him think that he was right. But each situation has its own characteristics, so I wouldn’t judge from an outsider position. The involved parties know better. And sometimes an old friendship may be more valuable than being right.

You know, Fred, scientists say that the more we are exposed to certain stimuli, the stronger the correspondent connections between the neurons are. Yes, one can still love his wife who left, but in time, those connections in his brain will fade, and he’ll find himself one day wondering how was it possible to love that cruel woman. It’s strange, but it seems that brain is really a smart machine.